about the moment you die

A few days back, I was having a couple of drinks with friends and we were talking about random stuff. Then we started talking about a documentary we watched together. It was about euthanasia and it was very interesting. We were kinda moved when we watched a man die by an assisted suicide, who was suffering from ALS. He had to drink some mixture to die. Everything was going as planned: the place/time of death, his last meal, the song he wants to listen... Obviously everything was arranged how he wished to be. But the guy who assists him forgot to tell him one thing: that the mixture tastes very bad. After he drank the mixture, he had this awful taste in his mouth and he asked desperately for apple juice - he literally begged. It was really touching. He was going to die in a couple of minutes and he had the worst taste in his mouth. Anyway, we were telling each other how we felt and one of my friends said that he would definitely prefer heroin if he wanted to kill himself. He would be high and he wouldn't notice anything and he would die peacefully from OD. At first, it kinda made sense. But when I thought about this more and tried somehow to imagine (I tried to do my best) what it's like to kill yourself, to end your life on purpose, I felt different. I am not talking about momentarily breakdowns and impulsive suicides. I am talking about euthanasia. A person who suffers so much that she/he thinks it through and decides to end her/his life.. We certainly hear about euthanasia but to feel what they are going through is not that easy. Well, after I gave it a thought, I decided that I would definitely not want to die while I am high. I mean seriously, this is my death, last moments of my life and I really don't want to die without being able to realize what is going on. OK, I certainly don't want to suffer or be in much pain alright, but, to me dying without being aware of it is dumping your life like it is a garbage. Is that what my life means to me? This is the only thing I've had and I should at least be aware of the moment I am losing it. I mean, to me, death is as important as life. They would not exist without each other, they are complementary. While I was thinking about these, I also imagined that I was purposely ODing on heroin to kill myself. It was so weird. I start crying my eyes out and wish to undo it right after I did the injection and regret what I did. Not because I was going to die, but because I feel so lost and empty that I would die without being aware of it as if my life meant nothing. It was a really strange feeling.